Mom was murdered nearly in front of me when I was 10. I found her body. I thought it was a suicide for years. I tracked down the trigger-woman years later and friends helped me scare the hell out of her. She's probably in Greenland by now.

Daddy... Yeah, can't talk about that.

I'm never having kids, no matter how many show up for those freaky weekends. I'm looking forward to spoiling my friends' children.