pretend there's a subject here

[sixstandingby.livejournal.com]

It's been awhile since this kind of therapy was offered so we do it now. Tell me a secret OF YOURS, Fandom. Tell me something no one else knows. Tell me something you haven't said out loud to anyone yet. And if you don't have a secret, well then, confess something truthful that might not be a secret but you'd still like people to know!

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[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

His best friend, well, supposed best friend, in order to set up his foster father, erase his identity, and start a new life-- and his old life wasn't great, but he had many, many other options. Not living in a slum. Not doing it to survive. Two prostitutes, two college students, and his wife for power and sexual pleasure. Two colleagues and one employee I'm not certain of the motivations for; it could have been work, orders, or covering his tracks for the other 'hobby' murders, or fun as well. The man who's taken over his 'job' appears to confine his killings to the job, but for all I know he's just a different kind of hobbyist.

He never would have come to my attention, if it weren't for the work-related killings; but if it had been confined to that, I think I would have been ... less revolted. It would have felt less urgent. Someone who murders on orders or for power can be outwaited, or manipulated, or caught. Someone who murders for fun on a whim could add another victim to his list without warning. Every day I let him live, I felt like an accomplice in his next torture-murder. I can live with his death better than I could live with another dead, eviscerated prostitute turning up, while he smirked at me from across the office.

The expert I called in had very explicit instructions, and followed them to the letter. Confirmed guilt in the serial killings, among other things. At least I know how to get the best personnel for the job.

No, I can understand not telling them that. It's not the first time I've heard it, and I can't say I share the viewpoint, but I think I do get where it's coming from. A combination of achievement and control. The 'moral' part of the equation is trained out of you so you can accomplish a killing, and in a way that's an achievement too. Denying that, well. Pointless. But it is far more complicated than most people can imagine, and I'm guessing you started young enough that explaining it to them is a bitch and a half.

I would have to be The Boss in that place, I think. Far too many other people in competition, far too much scrutiny, far too many expectations. I would like to re-shape the Centre (the company, my legacy-to-be) into something else, with less stringent and deadly consequences, so I wouldn't have to be. I'm not sure how far up the ladder I'd have to go before I could accomplish that, or give in or leave. That's part of why I'm AWOL at the moment.

At least you're out. And yes, you sold out when the choice was live or die... but at least you didn't lie to yourself that it was only the once, only for a while, only until you could leave. You may have made past choices of you over other people, your survival and your Turks' over your targets'; but since you're not a hypocrite about it, you can look at where you are and decide if you can do something else. And if you want to. You're not delusional or in denial. I speak as someone who was at least heavily in avoidance about the guilt of my father for a good long time.

I hope you figure out what you want. I know what I want, but damn if I know how to get it. Speaking as someone who would end up offering money to kids in slums to sell out... I want another choice.