fandomtherapy | pretend there's a subject here

pretend there's a subject here

It's been awhile since this kind of therapy was offered so we do it now. Tell me a secret OF YOURS, Fandom. Tell me something no one else knows. Tell me something you haven't said out loud to anyone yet. And if you don't have a secret, well then, confess something truthful that might not be a secret but you'd still like people to know!

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*whistles innocently* That's not entirely a secret~

It's a secret, but not the "no one knows at all" variety. Everyone knows I love my boss. A few people know about my job -- possibly just you who knows the full extent of it. No one knows about the thing with my sister. She lied on her report to Tseng.

Circles within circles within circles!

Mmmm.

It sounds all mysterious and cloak-and-dagger that way, doesn't it?

Do you mind a personal question?

I suppose not, though answering them can be a bit of a fuss.

What is it?

It's not anything messy about ethics or anything, if that helps.

Have you ever had a mission go so badly that you were sure you were going to die? Not because anyone fucked up, just because the situation got bad in a hurry and then made a left-turn into Totally Fucked Avenue, and you realized that there was a slim-to-none chance of making it out?

Not really. I'm just a Genin--just a rookie as Reno says all the time--so my missions are pretty low on the scale of messed up most the time. Closest I've got is when our village was invaded and the area I was in? Everyone got put to sleep. Yuuhi-sensei had to wake me up and then I had to make do with less than half of my usual weapons. Which I suppose could've gone worse, but they were after someone specific and one measly Genin wasn't going to be a focus.

Have you?

Rookie. I get that a lot, too. He means it affectionately, but it took me years to realize it. But Reno and I had a complicated start, and he didn't mean it like that at the beginning. He was angry and bitter and broken, and I had a chip on my shoulder, and I was Rude's rookie and not his, and on and on.

Yes. I have. There have been a few situations where I was nearly certain that everything was over, and one where I ... was hoping for death, near the end. Wondering how long it would take to bleed out, and relieved to realize it had to be soon.

I've never really talked about it. "So, wanna hear about the time I got tortured?" is not a good ice-breaker.

Gets attention though! Could be useful in some circumstances, like, oh geez, I don't know:

Random Super Serious Conversation Goes Weird and Uncomfortable As Questions Are Asked:

Them: *super serious question you don't want to answer*
You: *brightly* So, wanna hear about the time I got tortured instead?
Them: ...WTF.
You: *continue on brightly with a made up story that may or may not contain bits of the truth*
Them: ... *STARE*
You: Right then! I guess that's everything! I'll see you around! *saunter off triumphantly*
Them: ...what just happened?!

Okay, that was flip, but could totally be used. And--I don't know if it'd make you feel better or not, but candidly, my answer to that question would be 'Well, why not?', but I'm nosy. Occupational hazard, I'm sure you understand.

Even if I don't really, like, get it 'cause I don't have that sort of experience. At the very least I'm pretty good at listening.

And I don't, I guess, mind when Reno does it. Not that much anyway. But it's a little weird right now.

Edited 2009-07-19 05:34 (UTC)

When he calls you 'Rookie,' you mean? I thought at first that it was a put-down, nudging me back into my place. And then Tseng and I got grabbed and everyone thought we were dead, and it was a pretty near thing, at that. But when we showed up again, he called me Rookie and squeezed the air out of my lungs and told me to never, ever scare him like that again. And it sounded different. It has, ever since.

What's weird right now, between you and Reno? See, I can be nosy, too. (Intel Gathering makes it sound more Proper. All the Turks are gossipy as hell.)

If you wouldn't honestly mind hearing about it, I might take you up on that, some time. Because I want to talk about it, and I'm not sure why, but I figure most people wouldn't get it and really, wouldn't want the images.

Edited 2009-07-19 05:39 (UTC)

That's almost... sweet. In a very Reno-ish sort of way. Like he figured out that he'd miss you if you weren't around.

And I wouldn't mind, honestly, if you wanted to talk. Torture... happens. It's not something to just shove under a rug and ignore--'less you're talking to people who don't get it, then yes of course. That's a different situation.

(Small talk is the heart and soul of any intelligence agency, really.)

Reno and I--I got in a debate with another student about powers. I wound up texting him to see what he thought about it and he called me the night before the party we threw. I messed up and he learnt 'bout what my family does, more specifically, for a living and it freaked him out. And then I freaked out 'cause I didn't want him to be like that...

And. Just. It was a bit of a mess. We're... okay now. But still. It's a bit weird--that's why I was so tired at our party.

I think ... I think, maybe, he knew that before, but ... by the time he realized it, I had already decided that he was a jerk, and gotten prickly enough that I wouldn't let him say it. And it took something like me almost dying for us to stop running in circles.

He ... freaked out? There's not much that might freak Reno out. Did he say why? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'm nosy, but I can respect the "please don't poke there" spots.

And ... yeah. Torture happens. I'd been in bad situations before, but not that. Never anything like that. We were held for ... almost a day, I think. They wanted information, and they were sick fucking sadists who didn't care how they got it. I didn't break. I should be proud of that, but I just feel tired, and numb. I didn't break, but ... you can get so lost in pain that you don't know your own name. It's terrifying.

I'm glad that circle worked itself out.

It's not you. But people here don't like what I can do and him reacting like that just... makes it a bit worse, I guess. Trusting people. I'm already banned from using most of my other skills here. He told me 'bout killing Ravens and stuff. That's when I slipped up.

... I can't imagine it, honestly, and most of what I could say isn't sympathetic, not 'cause I don't think it's horrible and awful--'cause I do--but because there's nothing for me to say but 'at least it's over' and that's trite and ridiculous.

It's hard when you let your guard down, trust someone, and then find out that they're not okay with some of the pieces of you. I wasn't there for a lot of the mess with the Ravens, but I heard about most of it, I think. Those were pretty dark times, and that might be why it's a sore spot for him.

It's okay. I mean, there isn't a lot to say. It makes for awkward conversation on so many different levels. And I'm not sure what any of it means, or why I do want to talk about it, which is unnerving. Ugh.

Did you at least have fun at the party? I'm sorry you'd had a rough night before.

It's just weird, I don't know, back home it's not exactly common knowledge but enough of the clans know about it that it's not really a surprise either. My family--we're first in the village in espionage 'cause our methods aren't... orthodox.

Reno doesn't like mind control.

Maybe because, in talking, you can move past it a bit more?

I did have fun at the party! Even though I crashed and burned the next day between the booze, the excitement, and the lack of sleep.

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