fandomtherapy | pretend there's a subject here

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It's been awhile since this kind of therapy was offered so we do it now. Tell me a secret OF YOURS, Fandom. Tell me something no one else knows. Tell me something you haven't said out loud to anyone yet. And if you don't have a secret, well then, confess something truthful that might not be a secret but you'd still like people to know!

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True, about justice systems. Mine would judge me guilty of conspiracy to commit murder; maybe it's the hangover of that bugging at me too. It's weird to find yourself outside the law for the first time. My victim killed seven people that I knew of; five for fun, two for work. And all the evidence burned, the witnesses disappeared, the cops got bought off, and it looked likely to keep doing so indefinitely.

I don't know that I could have killed him. Either emotionally or physically. In the crunch, he might have been better than me, smarter, faster. I'll never know now. I think I would have been able to shoot him from a distance; but I'm not sure I could have evaded the police. That feels like a kind of cowardice. I needed him dead more than I needed the satisfaction, or was willing to risk in person.

I try not to admit that I take pride in things like that, as you say. But I'm not that delusional. I almost killed the woman who killed my mother-- a hired contractor, like you-- but friends convinced me to set her up instead. She'll never stop running now. That still makes me happy. I will probably do worse if I ever find the person who gave the order.

Yes. My father would think me soft for caring about the 'pawns', but to him I'm just the 'queen' on the board anyway. Still a piece to be manipulated. I could look at people like that if I worked at it. But I would have to give up my 'Turks', the ones who stood by me for years, and now when I'm a blithering mess, to do it. And ... I don't know. I have an ideal, inherited from my mother, probably. Of who I should be. She'd be sick if I ever became The Boss. That still has a lot of power over me.

Do you think you could go back to that life, now? Not being part of the Turks, I know that hasn't changed from what you've said. But it sounds like you've gotten a wider perspective now that the power structure is gone. If another 'Boss' came up, and your Turks were expected to work for him, would you do it? Or would you look for other work, other people to be in charge? I suppose I'm asking if you'd contemplate revolt now.

Why did your victim kill? If he was just a hired gun, then ... all you've done is given his share of work to someone else. I'm not defending him -- assassins have a shorter shelf-life than most people, it's just the nature of the beast -- but I'm curious if it would have changed your response, if his motives differed.

Acknowledging that he could have beaten you: that's not cowardice, it's smart. Know your limits. People who assume they can do anything and everything are likely to end up dead. It never hurts to bring back-up, and it never hurts to call in an expert.

I take pride in my kills. Some of them were particularly clean, or hard to pull off. Most people would not want to know that. So I don't tell them.

Do you have to be The Boss to follow in his footsteps? I'd say there's a place for middle ground -- for wielding power, but not betraying your family. I don't mean your mother and father, I mean your real family.

I don't know how to answer that. The power structure we were working for almost destroyed the world. And I hated them for some of the things they'd done. When you're in the slums, you hate the rich fuckers responsible for building a city overtop of yours, and leaving you to live without the sun, without food, in a town that quickly becomes a hellhole. And when they swoop in and offer you a pile of cash to work for them, you say "yes, sir" and you sell out like that. You still hate what they stand for, you still resent them, but you will absolutely be their bitch if it means you get out.

Everything's different now. I think I'm here, on this island, to figure out who I am and what I want. I never tried that before.

His best friend, well, supposed best friend, in order to set up his foster father, erase his identity, and start a new life-- and his old life wasn't great, but he had many, many other options. Not living in a slum. Not doing it to survive. Two prostitutes, two college students, and his wife for power and sexual pleasure. Two colleagues and one employee I'm not certain of the motivations for; it could have been work, orders, or covering his tracks for the other 'hobby' murders, or fun as well. The man who's taken over his 'job' appears to confine his killings to the job, but for all I know he's just a different kind of hobbyist.

He never would have come to my attention, if it weren't for the work-related killings; but if it had been confined to that, I think I would have been ... less revolted. It would have felt less urgent. Someone who murders on orders or for power can be outwaited, or manipulated, or caught. Someone who murders for fun on a whim could add another victim to his list without warning. Every day I let him live, I felt like an accomplice in his next torture-murder. I can live with his death better than I could live with another dead, eviscerated prostitute turning up, while he smirked at me from across the office.

The expert I called in had very explicit instructions, and followed them to the letter. Confirmed guilt in the serial killings, among other things. At least I know how to get the best personnel for the job.

No, I can understand not telling them that. It's not the first time I've heard it, and I can't say I share the viewpoint, but I think I do get where it's coming from. A combination of achievement and control. The 'moral' part of the equation is trained out of you so you can accomplish a killing, and in a way that's an achievement too. Denying that, well. Pointless. But it is far more complicated than most people can imagine, and I'm guessing you started young enough that explaining it to them is a bitch and a half.

I would have to be The Boss in that place, I think. Far too many other people in competition, far too much scrutiny, far too many expectations. I would like to re-shape the Centre (the company, my legacy-to-be) into something else, with less stringent and deadly consequences, so I wouldn't have to be. I'm not sure how far up the ladder I'd have to go before I could accomplish that, or give in or leave. That's part of why I'm AWOL at the moment.

At least you're out. And yes, you sold out when the choice was live or die... but at least you didn't lie to yourself that it was only the once, only for a while, only until you could leave. You may have made past choices of you over other people, your survival and your Turks' over your targets'; but since you're not a hypocrite about it, you can look at where you are and decide if you can do something else. And if you want to. You're not delusional or in denial. I speak as someone who was at least heavily in avoidance about the guilt of my father for a good long time.

I hope you figure out what you want. I know what I want, but damn if I know how to get it. Speaking as someone who would end up offering money to kids in slums to sell out... I want another choice.

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