fandomtherapy | (no subject)

How should I know? You're the one that's talking 'bout honest answers.

That's my point. It's all honest; it's just usually not the whole truth. And you haven't accepted many of them very well. The whole thing with the hugs...didn't matter that I was uncomfortable.

I didn't like it. I still don't like it. But, you know what really bothered me?

That Amber got to be all SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE and hug you. So freaking sorry I didn't take that WELL.

Edited 2008-10-05 03:58 (UTC)

Why would it even matter?

Just because you didn't get to be that ~special snowflake~? If that's all it's about, maybe there's a reason it was Amber and not you.

'Cause I care about you, you stupid ASS. But no, it's always AMBER THIS and AMBER THAT and the rest of us don't even FREAKING MATTER just 'cause she's SO SPECIAL.

You'd had a freakin' rule. FINE. I didn't like it, I wasn't good about it. But, you know what, I was a LOT better about it before I realized you had EXCEPTIONS.

The rules got updated. You even got your damn hug.

So what's the problem?

You know what? I don't even know why I bother because you're obviously to freakin' stupid to get this.

It bothers me because it's AMBER. Because it's ALWAYS about AMBER. Great, whatever, your rules got updated--because of HER. She always comes FIRST and if you can't get why the HELL that'd bother me then I don't know how to explain it to you.

The only reason I can think to explain it is that you're jealous, but that couldn't possibly be it, because you have all the same opportunities that Amber has for me to open up to you, but there's a difference there. You just don't bother to take them.

I don't take the opportunities for you to open up to me? What the hell? Because I've, shockingly enough, got a different sense of where to pry and when not to? You say Cal stands for something, tell me you don't want to talk 'bout it, and I drop it. Because, hey, I get that. Somethings are No Talking About Allowed. So I don't pry 'bout that. Even with the hugging--I didn't like it, I whined about it, I complained about it, but I took you at your word that you just... didn't, didn't I? So sorry you'd rather someone whose got the bad manners to pry.

And why can't I be jealous?

Took me at my word, sure, but gave me hell and back again about it. Sure, you don't pry, but you have your ways of bugging about some things, anyway.

And you can't be jealous because that would mean that you care, and you can't care because if you start caring, I'll start caring, and someone's going to care more, and that's only going to hurt.

What? About the dancing? About the hugs? Yeah, I was going to nag about them, because I didn't get it. It doesn't hit the same level of drop it, for some reason, as a simple 'no, I don't want to talk about it'. Especially when there's exceptions.

And, oh, Cal. You really don't get it, do you? I already care.

If you can have exceptions on what to pry on, I can have exceptions about hugging, and it doesn't even matter anymore because I'm actually opening up to people now. Okay, fine, it didn't start with you, but it's not like you're reaping the benefits.

And if that's the case, well, great. One of us is totally screwed.

But you didn't trust me, and that hurts even though I smile and say I'm good about it and haven't even said ONE WORD about not being okay with you and Amber together outside of this therapy. I'm trying so hard, and then you're just telling me that maybe I shouldn't be trying 'cause apparently prying is what worked in the first place.

Probably me; again.

For someone who's looking for honest in me, you sure aren't doing much to return the favor by the sound of it.

And I doubt it. I'm the one who's got that down to a science, after all.

I'm trying to be a friend! I'm trying not to hate Amber just 'cause you like her better and it's freakin' hard, 'cause if it wasn't for you I'd like her just fine! And I do, when you're not in the picture. But you're you, and now you're always in the picture, and you've tried to cut me out over a bunch of photos and I've got no IDEA how you'd react if I said that I HATED the idea of you and her together and wished she'd DROP DEAD.

Fine then, looks like we'll both hurt.

Exactly. We'll both be hurt. Which is why this barrier has to stay between us, because this way, I'm hurt a lot less, and I am an ass who looks out for his own interests and no one else's. Because that's all you'd want to be: a friend. But I can't get close to people like that without wanting to be so much more than that, and it would kill me inside having to be just your friend, just like it did with her.

*stomps feet* YOU DON'T GET IT. I'm TRYING to be a FRIEND because you don't seem to WANT anything else.

And that's so sad, you know that? Getting hurt sucks so much, but it's way better than not living at all.

It's kind of the only way I know how to live.

And maybe I don't get it, but maybe you don't, either. Where we stand, we are friends. Anything more will be past the point of no return.

We are, we are. But I can't help wondering, and I can't help hating someone for getting to be more, and I can't help that my prying is apparently the wrong sort for you to open up.

I'm sorry I can't be honest enough with you to tell you all of that, but I can't. Because I don't know how you'd react at all and I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you at all.