Nameless Name...

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

WHO EXACTLY thought that HONESTY was a GOOD IDEA?! Can I find them? Throttle them? Shake them a few times until their explanation tumbles from them and I can STOMP IT INTO THE GROUND WITH MY FOOT?

GAAAAH.

Comments

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

It's easier to pretend it's all right then!

...

It's not as if everything I say is a lie or a lie of omission. Just... some important things. It's like grease! You don't need much, but it makes things go more smoothly when you use it a little!

[intraspective]

Until there's so much grease that you wind up crashing and going up in flames?

Because that totally sounds easier, don't you know.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Yes. And probably pretty from a distance. And warm! Fire is warm! DO NOT DENY MY LOGIC.

[intraspective]

...

There is no logic there, Liir. Watching your relationships crash and burn is not pretty, or warm.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Well, no.

Avoidance is another one of those things I prefer.

[intraspective]

Avoidance doesn't fix things, you know that, right?

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Yes, but it gives me time to think of what to do. I'm not particularly good with surprises.

[intraspective]

And avoiding it makes it easier? I don't get that at all.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

It gives me time to think of what should be done. And then, when I'm ready, I stop avoiding it.

[intraspective]

And what if, in avoiding it, you only make it worse? Some people don't like being left alone.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Then that's unfortunate. It's a gamble either way. Stay and possibly ruin things. Go and think and try and fix things later and possibly ruin things by waiting. Different people prefer different things. Unfortunate but true.

[intraspective]

Why never stay and fix things?

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

With you or with other people?

[intraspective]

Why not both? People in general, and me in specific.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

With some people, I do. It depends on how they act. If it's obvious that they just want to be mad at me and have me stand there and take it, I'm not going to stand there and take it. Especially if they've already decided that I did things for this reason or that reason and don't want to listen to what I have to say about my reasons for my actions.

If they're mad at me and they say what they want me to fix, I'll explain why I did it, promise to fix my mistake, ie, thing I did accidentally without meaning to cause harm, and things should be fixed.

[intraspective]

There's nothing in there about apologizing for your mistakes, I note. And you've the nerve to call me arrogant.

At least I can apologize for my mistakes without trying to turn it around and make it the fault of someone else.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Changing my behavior would be a part of the apology. I didn't mention it because you always seem to say that actions speak louder than words. But I would, of course, apologize. When do I NOT when I think I've done the wrong thing?

And I didn't turn around and make it anyone else's fault. I got angry with you in return because when I ASK you what's wrong, you play games expecting me to stick around and prod until you tell me. Two very different things.

[intraspective]

Changing your behaviour--like you did so that you never mention Amber at all to me? Not even like you were dating or not, you just don't bring her up at all? Because that's annoying, and a poor apology.

And what of your conversation with Amber later OOC knowledge ftw? 'Oh, woe, I'm not normal, at least you try Amber, I love you'. Tell me that's not making you out to be the victim. Because that's how it sounds to me.

And, Liir, the longer you're here, the less water that excuse holds. What if you're here for the full four years? No one's going to go 'oh, he had a crappy life so I'll forgive him for being a jerk'.

Sometimes a jerk is a jerk is a jerk no matter what their life is like. It's an explanation, but a poor excuse. Even when I'm mad at you, you jerk, I love you.

But just as you aren't going to put up with my games, then I won't put up with yours. When you apologize, you do your best to make it seem like I'm in the wrong. And that's not an apology at all.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

I could answer you in a long, drawn out diatribe, but I'm not going to. I'll just say this:

I love you. And I've never said you were anything, wrong or others, just your choice of approach.

[intraspective]

My approach? Getting angry when I'm, shockingly, angry? I'm not a sweet-talker to say things gently and kindly and you know that. That's why you've got Amber.

'Cause she's nicer than me. I'm not very nice when I don't think something is very nice.

And you say you love me, and I believe you, but I don't believe you'll think about anything I said. Just because it's said with anger, that doesn't make it wrong.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

I think about everything you say. And I can agree that I hurt you without agreeing that I did something wrong. I can apologize that I hurt you without agreeing I did something wrong.

But you don't seem to want to hear that. It seems like all or nothing for you, so I don't know what to do.

[intraspective]

You haven't agreed, you haven't apologized, you just walked out and that was that. I'm not the sort to come after you. I won't. That's just who I am, and I think you were being just as arrogant and snide and on a high horse as I was. Do you ever do anything about anything I say? Because you seem to just keep on repeating the same things. For someone who says they change their behaviour, you don't really.

Do you want a freakin' itemized list of shit I want to know about when I ask 'what's up' or whatever? Because I still don't get why that apparently wasn't inclusive enough for you to bother telling me.

And I won't apologize. I was angry, and I still think it was justified. At least I didn't walk out.

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

I walked out because I didn't want to yell or be yelled at anymore. I consider that respect. You didn't walk out and you consider that respect. Different ideas don't make anyone wrong.

And no, I didn't apologize because I was veritably attacked with something I'd said to someone else. That's not a way to start anything constructively. That's an automatic dig at someone made to piss them off or hurt them.

And I KNOW now. If I ever do end up going out with someone that I've been friends with for ages, I'll make sure to tell you. It's not as if there's a way for me to fix this immediately.

[intraspective]

But abandonment issues are a bitch, so sorry, but I'm not going to forget that your response is to leave the moment I start saying things you don't like.

Of course I was trying to hurt you, you hurt me by all but your silence--which meant, obviously, that I didn't matter enough to you to bother.

I'm vindictive. I'm a bitch. How else would I react?

[new-to-liirness.livejournal.com]

Abandonment issues? The last time we got into a big argument and I stayed, you decided I wasn't your brother anymore. So no, I don't want to chance that happening again.

No, I'm not going to forget that happened. And yes, it meant a lot more to me than I think you understand. I'd almost thank you for it because you shattered me again and I had to pick up all the pieces myself without anyone and I never would have learned how to deal with it without you.

And there's a big fricking difference between hurting as a mistake and hurting with malicious intent. Why you keep insisting that you didn't 'matter', I don't know. I really really don't. But there's nothing I can do to convince you different, so what do you want me to do? Honestly?