fandomtherapy | The Future Freaks Me Out

I'm Jewish, bisexual and was born in 1881. I know the feeling; there's nothing funny to say about it.

There are other worlds.

None of which I belong in. I can't imagine that changing at any point, either.

I've already turned down far more than mere peace of mind. There really isn't much left for me to do beyond take it as it comes.

I'm never going to understand how you did that, you know.

I'm glad you had the strength. Glad my brother's Nada did, too. You were right and I know it. But it amazes me that people can turn down what we could give.

I regret it. Every moment of the day. I regret it.

...

I'm sorry. Every single day, I regret having asked. I shouldn't have.

But please, don't regret what you said. You'll have a life here. That's the one thing I can't really give you. Someday, even if it doesn't feel like it now, you would have hated me for taking that away from you.

I'll have a year here, and then it's back to all of that. Th'more I let myself think about it, the more difficult it is to believe that I did make th'right decision.

Really, luv, if yer worried that I'd resent you for a lifetime lost, then perhaps you don't realize, there isn't really much of a life here to take.

You say that like I didn't spend a year being your friend and lover.

You have eyes. Hands. Music. People who love you. Jobs you like. None of those things have to go away after graduation. When you decide none of that matters because you can't drink or talk out loud -- that's childish, and I can never talk to you when you're being childish, and I'm not going to try it now.

Edited 2010-09-10 16:45 (UTC)

It isn't that simple. It's never that simple.

I can't drink, I can't speak. I'm as used to it as I'll ever be. I don't expect I'll ever get any of that back, and I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but I'll deal with it.

It's people. Once I leave here, how many of these friends of mine will still be there? I can't bring them with me, I can't drag them into that mess there is back home. I just... It...

It's too much. That's what it is. It's too bloody much and I think about where I'll be in a year, and I can't breathe all over again even if I could in th'first place. Everything spins and I want to hide and I'm not allowed. Nobody will bloody well let me. I'm not a hero. I'm not one of Xavier's best, making a mad dash to slap an X onto my belt so that I can go and prove that we're not th'monsters that humanity has us pictured as. Some of us are. I'm just... I didn't want to be this. If that makes me childish, then I suppose I am.

I think, in comparison to you, to all of th'people that you've known and th'places that you've been, perhaps that's part of why I said no, luv. Didi was a child, too, in so many ways. But you...

You would have spent an eternity being unable to talk to me, if you can't talk to me now.

Hmmph. Didi didn't particularly have patience with you in this mood either, you know. She was just kind enough -- and, yeah, maybe young enough -- to hide it more than I am.

Your world is what it is. But the amazing, crazy, wonderful thing about being alive is that you get choices about how to react to that. You could slap the X on your belt and see if it starts to feel right. You could go find an apartment in Singapore, lock the door and never come out. You can busk in Finland with a scarf over your face and tell anyone who asks that you aren't a mutant until they quit asking.

And that's not even getting into the choices you might have in a year, or five, or fifty -- things you can't even imagine yet. That's the childish thing, Jono. It's not that you're overwhelmed. It's overwhelming and I know that. The childish bit is that you've barely started playing the game, it's not going the way you want it to and you're afraid you'll lose, so you want to take your toys and go home.

You might think I'm being simple. Maybe I am. Sometimes I think things are simpler than humans make them.

As for what we'd talk about for eternity ... I don't know. It makes me sad to try to think about it, since we probably won't get to find out.

Edited 2010-09-10 17:39 (UTC)

You know, one of th'worst things about this moment- this one, right this very instant, is that I'm not just acting childish. I feel it, too. I feel... small and stupid and helpless and afraid.

I don't love her because she coddled me. I don't love her because she tolerated me. I love her because she knew me, and even when I felt this way, it didn't feel as though th'walls were moving in more tightly around me. She kept telling me that I was strong, and I believed her. She was so... So easy to believe.

Maybe I'm just not certain who it is I'm supposed to be strong for, now. I don't feel it.

One of the worst things about this moment, for me, is that part of me is still in love with you, and I'll never get to talk to you again except OOC-but-IC like this, and I'm wasting it lecturing you. Maybe that's as childish as anything you're doing.

I say you be strong for Jono Starsmore. He deserves it, and he isn't going anywhere.

I suppose... You'd know that better than anyone.

I am trying. For what it's worth. Trying is about all I can do. Maybe living will come after that. Maybe it won't.

The risks we take, moving forward.

I'm sorry I couldn't open my eyes.

Don't be. All you missed was me waving and walking away really fast like a dork.

Trying is all I can ask for, that and moving forward. Thanks for doing it.

And thank you for a year spent, proving to me that I can.

For fuck's sake, Starsmore, so help me I WILL zap you again until you spew rainbows and sunshine for a week. Grow some balls already and use your potential.

Rainbows and I really don't get on so well together, Sunshine.

What would you have me do, Emma?

Call me 'sunshine' again, and I'll kick your shins so hard you'll limp for a week.

I want you to stop acting like your mutation is the end of the world. You have no idea what you can do, so stop pretending your life is over.

Maybe your life as you knew it is done, just like every other mutant ever, but you're behaving as if this is the end of everything, instead of just the beginning. Be fabulous, darling, don't settle for being a has-been that never was.

... Emma. My girlfriend just died, turned into the human embodiment of Death, said goodbye, and walked away forever. And I've been... functioning. Getting up, going to work, socializing, even making plans with somebody to practise with my powers. I'm not letting my life be over, even if it bloody well feels like it.

I have no idea what I can do. I'll admit that. But I can't approach it th'same way you can. I can't just table how I feel about this to become some sort of... bloody... ruthless psionic superhuman with all of the raw physical firepower I could ever want at my disposal to back me up. I'm exactly what all of those anti-mutant bigots back home are afraid of. I can get into their heads and destroy their homes without a second thought, but only if I let myself.

I don't want to be that.

The Future Freaks Me Out

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