fandomtherapy | *puts stethoscope up to all of you in turn*

Um, I am in a coma because my twin sister got jealous of my awesome life and decided to take advantage of my rare tropical disease to attempt to murder me.

At least my makeup has stayed flawless.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid you only have three months to live. Lollipop?

I fell down an elevator shaft and died.

*puts a band-aid on you, makes you all better*

I'm a gay coming out PSA against intolerance.

I'm never getting laid.

Also, I'm suddenly old.

There, there, it happens to a lot of people when they get back from boarding school. Have a lollipop, it's like penicillin for the soul.

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oncourtandstage.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 17:06 (UTC) - Expand

JOHN SHEPPARD.

Also, I don't think my daddy loves me.

To make your troubles worse, I'm afraid you have cancer of the bowtie. I'm very sorry.

I'm in a coma and my brother stole my Jell-O cup.

Can I get more Jell-O?

NO MORE JELL-O FOR YOU, GRAHAM.

Nobody includes only one thing which say being given incompetence of the dubber it translated telenovella; with interior Spaniard with English.

Purple monkey dishwasher. Lollipop?

I got half my face burned off because I got distracted by boobs.

AND THE MEAN PRIEST SAID I WAS GONNA DIE!

On the plus side, you seem to have recovered from your disorder of the cirrhosis. Congratulations!

I'm pregnant, and my boyfriend's making noises about leaving me for his previously-deceased wife.

Ouch. Well at least you don't have inflammation of the phlebotomy?

CHARLES BASS!

Also, I'm marrying my girlfriend to secure the inheritance of her family's diamond mine despite flirting yesterday with her twin sister, a hermaphrodite, and a girl who looked exactly like my first love who died tragically.

My mun also keeps saying that I NEVER LEARNED TO READ but hopefully she won't bring that to the table.

I'm sorry. On top of all this, you only have a week to live. I don't know why, you just do. But miracles do happen!

I'm having a baby! And I found my long-lost father! Also, I've been recast.

Congratulations. However, you also have dismemberment of the googleymoogley. I'm sorry to have to tell you.

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inthereflexes.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 17:11 (UTC) - Expand

I'm married to a guy I've never had the least bit of sexual tension with.

And I'm sleeping with his brother.

Who's married to the girl my husband is in love with.

Needless to say, holidays are interesting.

On the bright side, you also have a hurting of the epidermis, which is highly contagious and you have probably already given it to all of them.

I'm...hiding naked in my closet.

I realize there are clothes in there but I'm too distressed from giving Charles Bass a lapdance and running naked through town to remember that!

Edited 2008-10-12 17:11 (UTC)

No, naked is good! Naked = ratings!

I mean... I'm afraid you have a disease of the lapdance and need to stop giving them to keep yourself from infecting the general populace.

My mun is violently allergic to soap operas, so I'm spending the weekend in a state of confusion. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than if she actually decided to torture me.

That's okay, I can torture you for her. I'm afraid you have cancer of the shoe, and we must remove it immediately to save your life. SOMEONE GET ME MY SCALPEL.

I'm an amnesiac who has killers after her -- but I can't remember who they are or why they're trying to kill me.

I'm sorry to tell you, but your amnesia may be fatal. I'm very sorry. It's a rare strain.

I'm suffering from narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and temporary megalomania. Mwahahaha.

Also, a disease of the scapula!

I'm surrounded by people who are obviously insane.

Clearly this is either a holodeck malfunction or a transporter accident.

Actually, I'm afraid you're the one who's gone insane. You have three months to live. I'm very sorry.

I'm SURROUNDED by the crazy and intensely overdramatic.

What the hell, people?

Are you sure you're just not in a coma?

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flashesforinfo.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:04 (UTC) - Expand

I'm now being played by Pacey.

And I died, twice.

Nuh uh! It's just a bad coma!

I'm having a secret affair with my professor...

You might want to stop that. See, he has a rare condition that we call rabbititis, and you'd be best to get away before you get too attached.I'm very sorry.

THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH SHOWERS IN THE WORLD FOR ME AFTER THIS. EVER.

I WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN.

Better be careful of you will slough your skin off. You have a rare condition that makes that likely. You don't want to end up like Harvey.

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demonbelthazor - 2008-10-12 18:06 (UTC) - Expand

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cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:08 (UTC) - Expand

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cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:16 (UTC) - Expand

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cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:22 (UTC) - Expand

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demonbelthazor - 2008-10-12 18:35 (UTC) - Expand

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cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:37 (UTC) - Expand

You know. Wife back from the dead, pregnant girlfriend. The usual.

I'm sorry, but YOU, unlike your girlfriend, DO have an inflamation of the phlebotomy. I'm so sorry.

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withoutverona - 2008-10-12 18:00 (UTC) - Expand

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slapbetcommish.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:01 (UTC) - Expand

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withoutverona - 2008-10-12 18:05 (UTC) - Expand

NOTHING will be the problem if you just give me $20 so I can, um, give it to charity.

You know, the charity inside my nose.

Please?

Edited 2008-10-12 17:37 (UTC)

I'm sorry, but you only seem to have one huge nostril now. I don't know how this happened. We'll have to do tests.

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ella-obeys.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:02 (UTC) - Expand

I'm dying of BRAIN CANCER!!!

Then I'm sorry to tell you this, but... you seem to have brain cancer. I'm so very sorry. Have a lollipop.

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sarcasm-guy.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 17:48 (UTC) - Expand

I'm in love with a man who made out with a Mountie.

And doesn't trust me.

WHY, OH WHY?

Also, my wife is dead, I shot my son, my grandfather is a space pirate, my father never loved me, my mother died twice and tried to feed me to demons, my girlfriend hates me, and I could go on for a while without ever deviating from my canon...

I'm sorry, but the Mountie has a disease of the Canada, which is highly contagious and you now have it.

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spring-lost.livejournal.com - 2008-10-12 18:10 (UTC) - Expand

I'm wrestling in a duck pond with my estranged mother's estranged half-naked younger lover.

I'm very sorry, but you now have pneumonia. You may recover. Someday.